Discipline

Human are inherently lazy,

i need to be discipline. 

After I finish with my Sex and The City I will rewatch until I get bored of it, and then I will find other things to lazed and gratuitously dependent upon just so I avoid doing things  that I am physiologically averse to.

Third Day: I've Been Thinking

I've been thinking, that this all headache stems from the low self-esteem that I have due to my midlife crisis. 

Hence, I must find ways to improve my life. 

Discipline -like moping floor once a day, organize myself

Achieve small stuffs - have goals every day, small goals, achievable yet a stretch gives me the satisfaction, I will follow my discipline hence I will feel good about myself

Let's do it.

Second Day: It seems impossible

It seems impossible

I hear and read stories of rags to riches, out of those how many have failed

I am trying so hard now

It is very painful, very painful, very painful

Things are not going well

Why do I let external force affect me I don;t know. I just don't know.

I must let external force stop exerting its evil deeds on me. I shall work to find a solution now.

I found this website; 

http://rosiesmrtiepants.wordpress.com/2008/03/10/external-v-internal-motivation/

One of the paragraph says:

Goddess of Mindfulness pointed out that one of the major reasons that people change is that they change when they feel INTERALLY motivated.  EXTERNAL motivation (in other words, advice from a doctor, family, friends, etc) is not altogether motivating and can have adverse effects (feeling guilty, like you are letting others down, etc.), which makes you feel even less interally motivated to change. 

Another website shares a common yet unawared of notion about motivation and it sounds like this. It it titled; Motivation's Easy

http://iam-motivated.com/blog/

Motivation’s easy…… when the “project” is something I want to do!

Motivation’s really hard when the “project” is something I don’t want to do.

If this is a true statement for you, perhaps you could spend a moment of the procrastination time asking yourself a few of the WWHW questions

WHAT is it that I don’t want to do? By identifying the task clearly we have a better chance of identifying the blockage.

WHY don’t I want to do it? Be honest. “Just because..” is not an honest answer. You might need to break the “project” into components and start the WWHW again

HOW can I change this? There’s a question! Can you change the process, or, can you change the way you feel about the process? Or, you might ask, “How can I build a reward into this?”.

WHEN can I start? This is an important question. Often the answer to this is NOW. And then your procrastination ends and your motivation kicks in.

Of course, if this doesn’t work for you, you can always add another W - “WHO can I delegate the task to?”

It tells you that motivation is a slew of steps to take, and a list of questions to ask yourselves to deal with. At times difficult, others straighforward, it bears your soul to the must-be-done.

I am externally motivated. Superexternally motivated. When all is wrong, I am unable to move on in my life. There seems to be a lot harder to work, if I keep on thinking the negative visuals I have. Like today, hearing my colleagues and what my colleagues told me about my bosses thought of me, just kills me to the core. How can I work at my best if my bosses think of me as a nuisance, as a black sheep, as a person who they don't like. Notice that all the list I put are of my own thoughts, not necessarily confirm by them, but very much my interpretation, wildly interpretative. What is the answer to my predicament?

Another website touches my heart because it feels like just what I am.

http://weblog.revelife.com/Revelife/685692633/please-tell-me-im-doing-a-good-job.html?ref=xn

t work, I am probably too concerned with how my boss views my work, and go a little overboard to make sure that I look good in their eyes.  As a member of a band that considered pursuing a record contract, I thrived on the approval of concert promoters and contacts in the music industry.  I'm also a screenwriter – one of only 8.2 million others in New York City (population 8.3 million).  When I email people to see if they're interested in a script, I allow positive feedback to send my spirit soaring in ways that I should only let the Spirit of God do. 

The author is obviously Christian, god-fearing entity who has the same problem as I am but with a solution at hand; that you could always turn to god for guidance if you are expecting people's praise. That an acceptance from god will relief you from the pain of low acceptance from others. Cause that's the way it should be.

Other article blames capitalism for ones woes, of the thinking of what other think of you kind. If I were a rich boy, everything is possible for me, if I am handsome and all, no bad breath, would I bother about what others think of me? About how my boss hates me to the core? Would I? Less so than I am now; unattractive, foul-stench emitter with no hard core brain.

it occur to me like a eureka moment tat the main reason y tat u care wat ppl tink bout u bcoz u hv low self esteem. U urself think lowly of yourself, hence you need someone to validate u instead!

NEw Post of My Life: Small Steps

Today my life begins, yet again. It is necessary. 

I have do away with gym at night. 

I will love myself. I will have a new image that gives me self-confidence.

I will take small steps to freedom, and to growth. 

No more turning back.

In order to avoid me reverse my pledge,  I will do three things that would secure this;

1. I will chant every day

2. I will mop my floor every day

3. I will get a reminder tattoo; of which graphic will I decide later

 

WTF

What the F?

Why can;t I write composition whenever I want to? What stops me from writing a masterpiece anyway? Why do I need to wait for 'the right time' to write one composition a day? Is it so impossible to pen or type one article a day? What so hard about it?

One time I was daydreaming about  a 'what if' situation. What if I were to be able to do whatever I can, without thinking about restrictions, would I be able to come out with ideas that's fresh and creative? This fantasizing at dusk happened when I read an article about Olympics and that Zhang Yimou, the famous director who gave us Du Jou and Raise the Red Lantern, came out with the whole concept of the opening ceremony of the Olympics which going to be aired in more than 100 channels worldwide watched possibly by 1.5billions people, not to mention the lucky 100,000 spectators who got to buy the opening tickets at as much as USD 1500 in eBay!! Well I was asking myself, why Zhang Yi Mou was picked and not the guy next to him when he was perhaps eating Mc DOnalds in this restaurant somewhere in Beijing, or why can't I be picked?

Well for obvious reason why that temporary neighbour in that most famous yellow emblem restaurant did not get to direct the opening ceremony is because he did not want it. But I want it! I want to do it because I believe I can!

Two reasons throw my case out of the peony garden paper window;

1. Zhang Yi Mou is a proven case of talent personified. He has track record which spans the time of yore, before I even heard of the word art-house to the very moment where I am itching to watch the opening ceremony of the long-awaited Beijing Olympics.

2. Most important of all, I have not shown to be talented. I couldn't even come out with a winning case of Tall Tales!! I am just not talented, period!! Why I fail to look at this is beyond me.

How could I not see this is over my intelligence level. See!! I couldn;t even see this stuff. I have not proven my own track record yet I have this split second moment for awhile actually believed that I could have done it and done a better job..

Better job! Have I seen Zhang's work yet? Not yet, the show has not even begun!! What makes u say you are able to outshine him? YOu can't even write an interesting article about this...

BUt I believe I could do it!!

Everytime I was about to do something I have the strongest confidence and urge to act on it... Until I begin, that's where the believe system gone downhill from there. Why is this thing happening to me?

WHat is wrong with me?

Is this the most-talked-about believe beyond doubt, that covers the term blind believe. Is this the famous verb unquestionable believe bordering towards cultism that motivational speakers of yore been extolling about?

I believe so. And yet I am glad I am given such gift. 

Weeds: A New TV Series Favourite

You live in a middle-class suburban house, along with normal-looking god-fearing neighbors, a housewife, with two teenage children, a proverbial happy ever after. Things are perfect until one day your husband had a heart attack and died. You are devastated and didn't know what to do. It could go all downhill from here, unless you take the riskiest venture of your life; pot trading.

That's the premise of this not-gonna-be-shown-in-Malaysia tv series, half-an-hour of drama about the life of the housewife and the people around her. Stars Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin, a strong smart lady who has to resort to Marijuana trading to support her high-flying affluent lifestyle. Her two sons Silas and Shane are two disturbed and obviously jaded kids, are the cute and boyish Hunter Parrish and Alexander Gould respectively.

Tv series by Showtime, a subsription-based tv brand which gave us Queer As Folk; a no-holds barred type of production group, which defies conservative views and delivers totally controversial subjects, like homosexuality and marijuana-trading. One could remember the lesbian softcore acts in almost all episodes of QUeer as FOlk not to mention the perennial gay sex demonstrated by the main actors in the 5-season trailblazing gay-topic tv series, QAF. 

Weeds, however, unlike QAF shows more twist and better storyline, no cliche love story and mother-son soapy conversation, managed to remain very contemporary in line with the current trend of innovative and most importantly edgy, defying and at the same time affirming realism in the life and style of American 21st century generation. This over- the-top type of drama, originated from shows like Six Feet Under, owes it success more to its ability to lasso its exaggeration factors than jumping too far into magical realm. 

In addition to that Weeds manages to captivate the fans, for its 4th year already owing not only from the strength of the main actors, also from its comical scripts and putting many dimensions to most of the actors. Silas was a disturbed kid but turned out to be  a cute and hot young man who had sex with an older lady before he even turned 18. Shane is a young 12-year-old  kid who wants to become adult to win the love of his mother. And other characters which I need to find out more later coz for now I only watched two episodes out of 4 seasons available, plus I am more interested in the kid Silas which has the perfect figure and shape for my ogling and entertainment, apart from the story of course. 

He is said to appear shirtless most of the time in season 4, and has buffed up significantly, shows very pleasantly from those two episodes; 6 and 7. This would discourage me from watching the earlier season coz apart from him more shirted airtime then, he was rather twinky by the look of google images i searched. Never the less I will try to find episodes 1-5 of season 4 as a start of my journey towards my current boy toy.

Several problems in my life

The are two main problems I will focus upon, paid full attention at, and 

1. Externally motivated

2. Procrastinate the job while work hard on the non-job

3. Street-smart lesson needs to be postponed

4. The crumbling of my social circle.

Let me take the bull by the horn, sow the seed by the spot, or aim the bow at the bullseye;

1. Being externally motivated; feeling so down when there seems to be no one express their interest at you. Or there seems to be no one that are willing to give  you the compliments that you need, most likely because I am just not good enough in those things I've done lately. But most of the times, I am either not good enough or too different from their feeble mindset to comprehend. But I am such a wreck when such a thing did not come about when I needed it.

2. Procrastinate the job; not wanting to take the bulls by the horn, tend to delay the real job work with excuses that other less important works need to be done first, and find excuses from the lamest reason, like my shoulder pain, distended stomach, prevents me from performing at my best in writing my assignment speech, hence prevents me from writing it altogether.

3. The crumbling of my social circle; People are just so jealous of me. Only the ones strong enough remains in my social circle. I put the rest as bunch of coward little hypocritical small people(in chinese small people means jealous backstabbing bitches), which seriously worth none of my concern for them. I got to expend my social circle and find new people to go out with. The real friends, whom I am comfortable with. Or maybe I do not really need a social circle, what I need is the right direction for my career path. The social circle tends to be people whom I have light moments with. And times like these does not allow much light moments, I will sparringly spend such wasteful time.

4. Lack of those street-smart lessons due to lack of monetary. 

Strategy:

1. External motivation?

2. Procrastination

3. Social circle

4. Street-smart lesson

Herewith I found some non-direct solutions or rather next-steps I need to do in my life;

1. Embrace pain- sit straight even though it is tiring, just type away even the shoulders are sore, just do it even if you think the extent of impossibilities, 

2. Discipline- 

3. Break away the egos- talk to strangers, stop making assumptions about people, love people for who they are, some friends are worth it and some acquaintances are dispensable, be kind to people, not necessarily nice to people, being ruthless is the best lesson for them sometime

June 8, 2008

It's sad and ridiculous. My reputation precedes me. I am a god-fearing, soul-loving, conscientious, and morally appropriate, unhypocritical as you can be person, yet I think I am bitter.

There are just too many jealous souls out there, and they are there to enjoy ruining people's life. It's a basic human instinct that afflict only to the ones whom life has nothing else to do. They are basically lazy, complaining that life is unfair cause it inflict so much pain in the very human nature that they demonstrate to their own kind, yet do not want to put the effort to change and be better, breaking away from the very constraint they impose upon themselves.

And the worse thing is this; listen carefully, they subconsciously or not, but subtly or sometimes outwardly deny the people who see beyond the coconut shell, beyond the isolated oasis in a vast desert, to seek the greater good, the better life, the life they never had yet deliberately and decidedly to kill anyone who does. 

It's a very human nature like this that makes lives like mine suffer because I am cursed with the mindset that breaks down when there seems to have pillars of human support in sight. I am like a match stick house which crumbles when one match catch fire, lights up and skit away from the foundation. Another way of saying it is that I am externally motivated. I tried and tried so hard to translocate this stupid underpinning that obviously does me no good, I did hang on for a while, strongly, but itt's just too much pain, too much energy. Eventually they fall apart, the mental, emotional, physical stage and lectern/rostrum. It just too much to bear. 

People love to feel jealous and henceforth work subtly to kill the target's ambition. I am aware of that and I try to be conscientiously tell myself that I would not be jealous of anyone to the extent that I wanna sabotage his/her work. The only person I am really jealous of is this bitch whom in part of her rise to her elevated position, she destroyed people's chance. That's wrong and I am guilty of personally and  unconscientatiously trying to see her downfall. To be fair I admire her resolve and her talent, and I did not do worse stuffs than the fact that I admonished to people who wants to hear. And I propagate and encourage the propagation.

But I'll never gonna give up. It is the mindset of a winner which never gives up and never fall apart from the demolition of the majority soul, and that's why only a handful of people become successful. And I will find my comeuppance, I will regain my ground and push ahead, always finetuning my steps, always innovate the embrace the change that is me. I am beyond this all. Now I analyse, now I retrace my steps, now I am ready for the take off.

June 7, 2008

I am recovering from my cold, not flu damnit, I know better. I am the brand manager of the national flu, I am what flu gonna go big next year, I am the change leader of the infectious mindset of feeble-minded, pathetic Malaysian people.

My mind now revolves around happiness, beguiling, disappointment, pissed and tired. I have met the most important and certainly the most exciting new thing I have this month(I make sure I have exciting things every single month, last month was my new job, the month before was my resignation, haha). It's Skpye.

I thing I did mention about meeting this intangible 'gadget' of the thing, the last article but more to that I discover the excitement of talking non-stop. I practically talked my way to sickness yesterday. I can;t stop talking to my cutie in Adelaide, till late night. And damn he's so cute. Yesterday also I talked to my new potential possibly soulmate bf, who lives in Singapore, a quarter of a thousand miles from where I am now. The thing is I am not sure when I wanna go see him, less of my lack of personal motivation but more of the worry about looking over my busy planner and shock the bezeechel out of my wit.

But I am kinda happy, hmmm, not sure, cause I watch too much sex and the city, and got myself living a fantasy that is not me, a fairytale that is only happening in New York. I like him, I kinda like him, I want to like him, cause I'm like Samantha, a person suffering from lovaphobia,  a defense mechanism protecting her most vulnerable side from the most severe type of pain, which could edge towards self-loathing and waste of time so important for her career, the only substantial thing in a person's life. :)

I am disappointed with my friends, whom I might have took them for granted, whom have pushed me away for a few possible reasons;

1. they know bout my salary, and became jealous of me

2. the jealous of me because I am just not dependent on them

3. i am not the person they thot I was, the vulnerable dumb blond with no sense of ambition and think of living a sorry life with them for the rest of my life

4. that i pushed them away, because I never belong to them anyway

But they are still my friends, my loving friends whom I cherish and at least for a short while belonged to, and depended on while I sooth my broken and dishevelled self-confidence, while I facing my deepest fear, and eventually came out stronger, much stronger and wiser. Now that I am back to myself, but by a bigger herculean proportion, I am not them, and they are not me. 

It's fine cause I am happy. Hey I am hyperconfident.

I am not that type of person to whine and wallow at my unfortunate condition, pretentiously unaware why my friends would want to sabotage my life for no apparent reason. Cause I know and I am beyond that.

The next step in my life, is how to become a better person.

June 5, 2008

Got myself a sore throat this morning. I mean, oh shit, already afflicted with a curse, and this. Hard times are here. Even though I am well endowed with a nice ogled-at and willingly harassed body. (The night at the party where most gays go these days during their desperate single free time, I was proudly being looked and touched at, something I am quietly jealous of when one of my hotter friend just a few weeks ago got himself  hypercompanied where needed my help to pull him away). 

It figures, I am lacking sleeping time, I'm all stressed out with work, and I have so many things left undone and unachieved, and worst of all the fucking stand fan was strategically placed to blow at my mouth. Yes I was feeding yin energy all throughout the night.

I am kinda in love, I met someone whom I have so much in common with. Best of all he's hot and cute. Only thing is he is quite a distance from me. It's really a good thing anyway, I can keep my liberty while feeling the rush of love making and love fancy. The thing with this love I have not fuck him,nor have I kissed him. Stuff of a relationship I usually wanted, making feeling via communication before the fucking begins. 

I got myself a lot of work today. How does a business arrangement like this sounds like: you sell your goods to this customer, who goes using this goods to serve end-users, he goes national and serve the whole world, got himself a whole lotsa staffs, and the thing is you are paying all his expenses. You have to do annual bribe giving of an outing event with him, sponsoring the whole event, while he is the one who gets all the credit because he needs to please the higher being. After which he gets his profit, with little expenses for his service during the days of the campaign. Now he adds he needed something more, he asks to sponsor him flight to places he needs, even after you already committed to pay for his allowance, daily allowance. 

This is like giving too much in a bargain. It's hardly a bargain! Am I earning money from this sales?

You spend half of your A&P to earn just a third of your sales. And you call this a good business sense?!

Next he is asking for a better sponsor, to Bandung for future bribe and you made a 'gentlemen' agreement with him, about all this arrangement!

And even after all this, he claims that you would send him to France if he hits the 20,000 mark. To France!!

This is too fishy to be true, there's something needs to be done.

There are a lot of unscrupulous acts going on here. Let me list them out again;

1. You're paying too much for this business! What is the ROI? They seem to be hold ing the huge end of the bargain!

2. i am no expert is ethical value here but i can just smell the rot from here. I need to find out.

Will find out.

Cool software of the month is Skype. I know i know, where have I been? Skype is like invented since the beginning of time, and only now I got to use it. I remember the last time I downloaded it but did not successfully downloaded, probably the system unstable. Now, things are improving by the day. One day you think you can;t work this thing out, the next day the solution is only a google away. 

SO yes, I found skype and I found my cutie again, after a long while.  I missed him so much. He's my ... k i gotta sleep....

How I Learned To Drive

Went and watch How I Learned To Drive, a dramatic and engaging play directed by a 22year-old psychology student. Very impressive..

It;s a simple movie, talking bout how a lady, played along her teenage years, grew up sexually abused and learned to 'let go of the clutch' so to speak and floor the gas to reach a peace with herself.

The story starts at when she was 17 years old, went out driving, she behind the wheel, Uncle Peck, her mother's brother in-law, about to go for a high tryst. The steamy part was creatively made visual without the real flesh. 

Adjust backward,(in this movie is all about going reverse or forward like you are in car, U-turning as you go back in time when she's younger, exploring the seed of the tryst that settles so deeply and comfortably in the opening act) L'il Bit, the young protagonist, just one year younger was very uncomfortable with her family liberty with the matter of the bed between two consenting flesh. She was obviously disturbed by the openness, less of the uneasiness than the psychological trauma she was going through.

A few plots showed how she was not able to live a normal life during her teens because of her experience with her uncle, Uncle Peck. How she could not dance with someone else, or fall in love, or how she bores her friends because of her peculiar interpretation of teenage sex and love.

This play is very engaging and polished. Something that is far and way more sophisticated than the one I involved in. For obvious measure, one can only see how the person like and would mess up the whole show because simply of their command or lack thereof of their English. 

With our acting ability, this is just not happening. It would be a disaster even at the start. Why do I even bother to raise this up?

All in all, I totally enjoyed this show, the main protagonist was good, improving by the minute, must got warmed up by the debut night. Whereas I think Johann the lead actor was good at first but tend to lack stamina to push through the finish line. But his experience and his charm got him by. I should say through out of the two main acts, Johann inhabit the character much more consistently and cohesively, leaving no chance to the strength of his sparring partner. One can totally feel the empathy for his character.

However, this play can;t help alienating the audience, not by the sheer visual of the show, which is not that rampant anyway, but by the southern American elements to it. The director somehow fail to put a seamless mix of the story's essential southern influence with the fact that the characters are Chinese and lack the necessary tongue to pull through convincingly the right stuffs needed for the play. Some element of Chineseness does manage to spill out once in a while, one among the audience can't help but to think that the story tries to mesh the two spectrum of the human race together but fail, flip flopping back to the original element.

And yes, Johann has a nice ass :)

Review: Indiana Jones and The Legend of The Crystal Skull

I was lying when I told my friends that I still remember well how good Indiana Jones in the 80's was like. The thing is I don't. I barely remember the plot of the stories in the first 3 installments. I don't even remember there was a lady in the the life of Indiana. All I know is that I thoroughly enjoyed the shows and it was funny. Really funny. This I know, even at the tender age of teens, I do understand the comedic undertones to the movies which I find engaging and satisfactorily entertaining. 

Oh I remember how Sean Connery during the bullets showering by the 50's or 40's fighter plane on them, he took out his black umbrella, and chase the pigeons away. Indiana was at first baffled by the act of his father, being in a tight situation, fooling around with his umbrella on a clear autumn sky. As the pigeon flew off amidst the approaching Hawker Hunter, knocking on the window of the plane, disorientated it, the pilot lost his sense of sight and end up crashing on something. It was one of the genius of the 80's show, innovative retaliation or recoil.

And then who could forget the ending of one of the sequel, showing the virtue of the main actor, when Indiana and the nemesis discovered the location of the Holy Grail(that's where I first know what a holy grail is). Got in there and they were each given a choice to choose the non-figurative grail, from the many ornately decorated gold encrusted tablets lying on the altar, which watched over by a frail old knight. The nemesis took to finding the grail first, picking one with the biggest and more charming tablet, decorated with diamonds and rubies and sapphire of great sizes and shapes. 

He took the cup and scoop the holy water, and upon drinking it, cursed instead of everlasting life, he got accelerating life, turn into skeletons in no time, the marvel of special effect at that time still incomparable until now, considering the gap in the technology they applied between then and now. Then Harrison Ford, only thought of saving his father dying of a bullet shot, chose the most simple and hidden tablet, within easy reach, drank the water and eventually saved his father.

Ok, I mingle too long with the old one, which is justified, cause this latest installment 16 years after the last one, same old ensemble, minus sadly Sean COnnery, (I think he dies in the last one) does not live up to the hyped up expectation it conceives both after all these years and by the people whom involved in this film. The A-listers, Lucas, Spielberg and Harrison Ford, supposedly well-seasoned with their decades of experience, oscars awards and resume of movies which could make them almost legend, comes out with a movie left so much wanted. If Jason Castro from AI6 comes out flat with his performance, this could just top it off. 

It was boring, unfunny, unexciting and messy. The lines were bland and the editing were amateurish. And I haven;t even come to the part of directing. One wonders whether Spielberg was actually on the set while filming or he has his phantom director assisting him while he settling down in his trailer U-haul van savouring his swan songs Saving Private Ryand and The Color Purple. The only time I find the movie worthy of a Spielberg when the Russian armies arrives at the US army territory front gate, the general walked up to the guard in the middle of desert background, halted for not authorized for entry, he went down, thought to tie his shoe laced, and immediately is well-choreographed surprise attack.

After that it went downhill from there. Cate Blanchett was underutilized. One can't help but wonder that she does this only for the fun of it. Shia Lebouf was annoyingly whiny. The relationship between father and son, was not well developed. 

Overall, you expect in the world of Special Effect technology where large mountainous  landscape could be made up like in Lord Of The Rings, chimeric human-animals could be conjured with ease like in Narnia Chronicles, Indiana Jones in the 21st century could be 10 times more exciting than the last 3, you expected wrong.

This sequel is just another 80's production but laced with elements of boredom of the 21st century. One just hope that there is no Indiana Jones 5.

Freaking HOT,...still?

oh my god!

Do you remember this? LOL

The days where hair gel and baggy pants were pantheon of coolness. I for one was using the cheap hairgel minus the baggy pants cause the normal, stiff me could not bear to be different from what I was at that time, nerdy, scholar with a big legs to boot. "Gotta keep the image safe and sound, no sharp eyes focused on ya coz it's frightening to be on public eye" Someone who never strike his glance at you will never come to do it then, never, I'll die of hyperventilation from my fearsome stage fright.

And then this....

You can bear to be draped up by invisible cloth in your social circle, the shadows of the population would suffice to shroud the disappearing act you were so famously known for. Yet, I was well known in away. But that's another story.

Jeremy Jordan used to be my wet dream, hmmmm, wondering whether I did jerk off from the sight of him last time? I don't quite remember. That's one of those times where I learn and experience the word 'swoon'. I remember the first time I hear the word, it was coming from the contest winner who comes out with the best in-less-than-20-words lines to describe why they love ... TOMMY PAGE!, another embarrassing-idolatry-ludicrous teenage lust. Upon reading that winning lines I began to spark my interest in word play, gradually slowly, much slower than the slowest of snails, which now, I am proud to say it has gone to the pace of a leopard in my writing propensity hehe.

Anyway, get back to Jeremy Jordan. Freaking smile still turns me on. The wrinkle you see lining the curve of his cheeks when he does that iconic smirky smile, you could just die. Not to mention at the end of the song when he bounces himself on the ring, that was just so annoyingly embarrassingly sexy!!!

OK, why am I bogging myself with a composition about 90's pretty boys? 

Coz I am jealously hating their fame, while I went through life with much ado about my own self-development without the intervention of the world and vice versa, this son of a bitch has affected so many lives like the feeble soul that is me, and now, he is just as old as me, and still doing something cool aka acting in tv, albeit less charming and cute and definitely out of the swooning demographic, whereas I am here writing a blog about him, bitching my soul away just to find an article to write about.

Damn

I wanna stop now

Dedication for Mum

Mom,

you never were a good cook, your cook is potentially bland, dad's cook was better, thing is he is not the housewife of the house,

you never send me to music class, even though I remember the day I threw tantrum in front of the cousins and relatives, that I envy their second -hand piano. I hated that you pretended I wasn;t there. I wanted to learn piano, now look at what I am.

you never bother about my academics. My excellence in academic throw your responsibility out of the window, you in turn put more concern on brothers who do not appreciate whatever you did. Now look at them, bunch of losers, working in factory wishing they would have done a better school results.

you never cared for my feeling, when I am down and when I am up, those temperature are never felt in your radar screen, it's heart-rending, I have emotional scars till these days, I never could let it go

mum you disappointed me in many ways

yet, I wanna say I love you, cause you have done your best

you have give what's a mum could give 

i have gotten what a son could ever need

i guess it's enough

I will work it out from here

Happy Mother's Day

but u tried your best

Idea: Do the fear thing and see how it fades

Ever done something u've always thought u're terrified at and eventually, sometime later that the fear was unfounded, or even u began to forget why you fear that something?

I did, I used to fear the most inconspicious stuffs. I had this believe that wearing red tie is a sign of campiness, that you are announcing to the world that you're gay.( which I am but i try to be discreet in this harsh homophobic society, sob sob). I didn;t touch this red tie I bought and thought of wearing because my feng shui master suggested so. 

I finally got the gut to wear it and not realising much, there is only one person commented about the striking color. Nobody else mentioned nor put an eye on  my supposedly loud tie. So yes, I've been wearing the red tie ever since and bought some more new ones without fear or prejudice.

I also fear public speaking. THe worse part was the time just before i went up the stage. But once you get used to it, you realize the fear is silly. Everybody is just as fearful as you if they go onstage. 

Yes I still have this stage fright, being on stage still gives me the worst time of my life, butterfly in my stomach, forgoting words, and fast heartbeat. But i believe i will get rid of it once and for all one day. Just as long as I do many enough.

Kam In YOur Face: Review

It all started with a small musical vignette of the team, Susan was there, donning her carbaret dress with fish net socks and the rest of the hot girls, some hot boys as well.

Jooanne Kam Po Po came and gave us a hell of a laughter with her ever popular stand-up comedian show. She made us all in stitches. It was 10 minutes of heaven laughters.

After that it was downhill from there.

It went on with two shows, separated by a15 minutes intermission.

The first sketch was a semi parody of CSI, CSI Petaling Jaya, name-dropping Pua, Nepal and Lingam with hit-and-miss effect.

The second was more vague, about Tom COdy? and him saving the lobe of his life Julian?(Joanne)

THe show ended with an climatic ballad from the 80's. In fact the whole show glorify the 80's. I was a child of the 80's, yet i only remember half of the songs they play. One can't help to wonder, it's been done before.

The show ended with less fanfare and laughter than when it first started, a general and usual progress of a comedy show; due to fatigue, it's usually won't have a lasting effect.

The show also have inconsistent humor. Joanne stand-up is widespread laughter, later the laughter became sporadic, demonstrating selective humor at work here.

At the ensemble applause, she was rather dissapointed that we did not give her the biggest cheer when her time to come out. Nor we should be blamed for she did not dare to come out solo. She should, it's her show...

Ideas: Devocab Excuse

What if you find no excuse to everything you want to do?

What if you could delete excuses out of ur system and start think, how do i solve this instead of i can;t do it because...

From now on, I will only think of solution finding, no barrier identification.

Movie Review: Sicko

Movie starts with one American citizen, young in his 30's living in a suburban area showed us his cut knee. He had an accident and and the gash looks like a 15cm-long scar in the making. He was seen sewing his own laceration. He said he has to do it because he can;t pay for his insurance.

Another guy, cut his two fingers; middle and ring on an accident involving a wood cutter. Because he didn't have insurance, he was given options to either attach his middle finger which costs USD60k and the ring finger USD12k. Naturally he opted for the ring cause, Michael says he's being romantic more than cost factor, a obvious sarcastic remark.

Next an old couple, after spending money on her cancer and his double by-pass surgery, they have declared themselves bankrupt an d move in to their daughter's house.

The origin to the ridiculous healthcare system in america is from Nixon, back in 1971, where he approved of privatisation of insurance healthcare company. THere's where hell began.

People are being rejected from healthcare because they don;t have insurance in America.

Yet, insurance companies were earning mullahs like no ones business. Y? Because they incentified medical doctors who denied coverage for people who bought insurance but denied medical coverage because of reasons they hunt like hitman which make Sherlock Homes shame to his knees. This is a whole unit of hitman dedicated to your health history.

Any payment to the claim is determined as a 'medical loss'.

Hillary Clinton was under a good light, which I thought was gonna boost her political leverage for she was the one who after the years of Ford, Carter, Reagen, Bush Sr, all rows of republicans except for a brief and inept Carter, began to come out with a paperwork that can save healthcare in America, to form a universal healthcare system. But she was not prevailing. Lobbies and clout from the HMO and insurance company totally squashed her work, her downfall for just a while until now of course. 

Even then, she from a anti-HMO gal, became friend to them, and got paid doing it.

The Republicans under Bush administration, approved Medicare Prescription and Drug Improvement Act 2003 which made most citizens end up paying more than they used to. After that most congressman who approve this left and work for the health industry for high salary as high as USD2mil a year like for Billy Tauzin.

Then Michael brought us to healthcare system from other first-world countried like Canada, Britain and France to see how the people being treated and how much thay pay. All of them say they either pay little or none at all. There was even a funny scene where Michael, dumbfounded with disbelieve, went hunting for a payment counter, which he found, which turns out to be the counter which pays patients for their transport! Patients were paid to get treated and paid to go home, reason being they want to make sure they got back home safe!

And then Michael found out something interesting, Guantanamo Prison near Cuba, where the prisoners of terrorism were held, are having medical care that is as excellent or maybe better then the average medical centre in the rest of the country! 

Michael, having interviewed some 911 heroes who went out voluntarily to help scour and save victims who might be trapped at ground zero, because they did it voluntarily, they were not entitled for medical treatment subsidizaton or support by the government not are they rewarded by 911 charity health funds that were set up with a USD50million size, he brought these people to Guantanamo hoping that he could get help from them to treat these groups of self-less fine men and women who became afflicted with debilitating disease from their act of saving lives during 911.

They were ignored, dangerously being taunted by siren in Guantanamo prison gate.

Having their Cuba trip being cut short, they decided to pay a visit to the hospitals in Cuba and try their luck there. And lo and behold they actually were treated like kings and queens, and get this.. they were not asked to pay!! I personally find it hard to believe, maybe the cubans trying to put up a fine facade to show the americans how good they are faring, especially from the very person whom they can count on to  embarrass american, not to mention its system and the power-that-be.

In the end i find this show a bit too on the biased side. What I want to know is what actually comes out good from this HMO system that was started and obviously voted by the people of the government, which I believe bound to have some good souls who see the good side of it. Hell, the must be a good side of the HMO for how did even manage to get to the discussion board in the first place! What is the benefits that Michael did not show?

The Cuban antique is a bit too much of a reality show. For I am sure no throngs of americans will flush to cuba anytime soon.

Michael Moore is a good guy, someone you could say the person who sees the greater good. Or the person whose Virtue preceded his natural vanity. Heck he even paid the person who boast as the biggest anti-Michael Moore website for his wife's health problem because he could not support his website anymore and end up closing it. In the end Michale Moore saves his website!! What's more winnable than a person who helps his enemy?

Criticism: 

He fudged cuban per capita health spending? Gupta says not important though, but says number not right.

France drowning in taxing, 50 billion dollar debt, wrong perception that healthcare is free

Great Ideas: Think and Be Think

I realize this paradox in life:

You watch this movie and you think it sucks, you criticize it through and through; it wasnt funny, it's corny, how did they come out with such line? they should just reshoot this scene because the actors and actresses are just not in their element!

And then you happen to get involve in a film. You did it and woe betide, after all finishing touches and editing, you realize your film is just as sucks as the movie you watched before.

Ok, it's a bit too farfetch, what about the speech that you think given by your peers, you secretly believe that they sucks, and cynically and honestly think that they probably did not prepare themselves for it(why did they not prepare for it!!? Don;t they think this is important?!! I did) And then it's your turn to do your speech, to be fair, you did prepare your best and at the stage you realize upon comment by evaluators(i am talking of course in a toastmaster periodical meeting), you realize he/she gives you an alternative, toned down, somewhat whitewashed version of "you sucks!!"

Y is this happening? 

I have the believe that  this thing we cold actually extrapolate to stuffs even that are not performance-related, like your love life; when you're in love you can;t make difficult decision when exactly the same scenarios happens to your friend, you totally come outwit ha bitchy yet sincere and apt remark and answer! 

It's the proverbial scenario of unable to see your own self from the helicopter view. You see more clearly if you are out of the picture. You are losing the forest for the trees!!

THat is the core reason to my inability to come out with a speech nowadays, I am just too overly critical.

Now this is a great idea, what if you could be two person at the same time, one inside the scene and one in the helicopter? How to achieve that?

If someone could achieve it, critics would be out of business. At least I want to be the only one to devise the secret. This would be my holy grail....

Great Idea: Understanding The Psyche of "Help"

You have problem with a certain software. You instantly look for the help tab. 

There are two types of  Help options in many software; one that comes in points form and ask you to find one, and click and then proceed to others etc, you may find some more helpful ones like Windows or Office which link you directly to the part you want. The second one is less "help"ful, the one I call ironic twist to a loser software, they just lug through the directions and expect you totally understand what they are trying to say.

So what if the same problem occur, exactly the same problem occur, one year later. If you're lucky, you are experiencing the same "help"ful option. If you're unlucky, the help options is the loser type. Even you get to the first option, you may even find it hard to move from one page to the other cause you always need to refer to the help page and revert back to the other. Well unless you have a big screen like I do, there is no way for you to open both pages at the same time.(here i am watching a tv show and typing my blog :))

What if the first time, you try to understand the psyche of the nerds who write this "help" directions? What if you try to understand how the software people arrange the pages, and understand why the ners use words like they do, like why they use "Finder" in mac whereas Windows use "Explore". Once you learn "how to fish", you won;t go lost forever if ever this thing occur.

Just take sometime understanding everything that you read, you are not needed to refer back again and again the things that you dreaded most to read.

Great Idea: Hyperconfidence

I vaguely remember the time when I was greatly inspired by a documentary or a movie, which spark this thought to me: why not have a hyperconfidence?

You know when you do stuffs and sometimes you hit a rut and you just don;t know what to do about it? You are just not inspired and you are blinded by the inner self-doubt that usually engulf you at times like this. It's like you are so in the zone that you don't see the forest in the trees so to speak.

How do we gain confidence in the first place? Does it just come about out of nowhere. Of course not. It has to be nurtured. ANd how do you nurture it then? Most of the times it is from external forces. It comes from people who tells u that you are good enough, you are the best and you have done a great job. Essentially from the things you have done in the past. Sometimes, a much less than external forces is you build it yourself. It depends on the extent to your tendency to believe in yourself. How much do you see yourself completing this task? It's a believe system which most of the time stems from your past achievements, which is somewhat external as well(you can;t be knowing how good u are unless you are told so, can you?) or that you are trying to lie to yourself. I said aptly as trying for it is not easy to lie to yourself. 

So that's how you build your confidence. Which is not very encouraging for self-confidence sounds like something like a divine intervention. 

But what if you are the divine intervention. What if you drew your confidence level too high and mighty and call it hyperconfidence. And lie straight out and strong to yourself that you could do some task which only before that you told yourself it is freaking tough. With hyperconfidence you are the bomb, and you have absolutely no doubt about getting the task done. With hyperconfidence you are lieing to yourself that it is a piece of cake and that nothing will and can stop you from completing the stuffs.

It's a bit like lying which I mentioned just now, which is hard to believe for you have your own believe system, and people just can;t lie to themselves. But it is more than that, it is hyperlying. It's like chanting to yourself that you are an astronaut so many times that your brain began to know that it's true. It's like living no room for doubts that you are not.

Hyperconfident people say this things:

This is piece of cake

Let's divide and conquer the thing

Let see what first I should do

Let's find resources to help me deal with this task

They stay in the ground but not letting the tremor scare them the wit out of them.

Cool idea isn't it? :)

Hyperconfidence

A lot of times I fear opening the blog, for I do not have nothing to write about. I am not the person who writes about what he does on the day. For whatever happen stays happen in my memory. Plus they are by my standard not remarkable. 

For example, I woke up late today, partially bruised by the rejection by a stupid move I made to a cutie, I brought him to Frangi and expect him to go home with me later for a bumpy ride. Suffice to say I blew my chances for other hot encounter when I do this dating thing in Frangi(of course dating would tantamount as ridiculous word but I think it's loosely mean the thing we do before sex, hahaha). I could have not bother to look at hot guys and cuties, instead should spend my fucking time entertain a boring brain of his, young kids, what do you expect. But, I was bored indeed and then my friends are all around. What am i do to other than to do the most naturally me-thing to do, flirt and laugh. And they love it. All of them!

Anyway I digress too much, I woke up and did swimming and then gym and cut my hair and now I am here. What can I say about my activities today? Nothing much except that I am totally pissed off by my inability to type properly without looking at the keyboard. This sucks. What happens to my coordination?

But I found out something. I could from now on, come out with ideas, like Seth Godin does with his blog! 

I mean I believe that I must come out with one great idea to practice everyday. Some of the ideas I do so habitually I actually forgot what is that idea already. The thing is I do not write down the ideas. I just usually drive my car and come out with the idea and just start practicing it. Isn't it just ridiculous that I do not write down anywhere?

So, now I have ideas to write down in my blog. To put down ideas in writing. I immortalize it and just in case someone got lucky to bump into my blog and begin to learn from my ideas and make himself more brilliant than he's was not. Thanks mostly to me!!

So ideas are coming next page. Rather than rant like Marina and bore us like most bloggers with their culinary boreventure, or some nihilists jam the band with their sexcapades, allow me to present you, Sun's Ideasssssss..

Someone Like You

What if you found someone whom you've been looking for all your life? Someone whom fit perfectly the mold you wanted someone as a spouse. You believe he is the one, forever and ever...

And he does not think the same..

It's pretty heartbreaking. Sad. Are there someone else then out there to fill this vacancy then? Will there be a substitute to this desolate and most disheartening feeling ever?

What happen?

Robyn's Robyn

Looking for good pop music to play in your house lounge when you invite the who's who of party? Searching for the best pop song to come out recently but overlooked by the mainstream media to brag to your peers? 

This is the album to play.

Robyn Robyn, go and get it.

Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs

In a kingdom of yesteryears, a queen who is so vain of her own beauty realized that someone else is more beautiful  than herself. And that someone happens to be her own stepdaughter. No mention of her husband the king, she was so jealous she ordered a shepherd to bring her to the forest to be killed and as a proved that the shepherd did not lie she asked the shepherd to bring to her the princess's heart to her.

The shepherd was not able to kill her out of deep sympathy and fondness for the princess. He let her go and demanded her to run as far away as possible.

The princess ran and ran and reached a small little cottage that was inhabited by 7 dwarfs. They made great friends and began to forge a great relationship, even with one member of the dwarf who initially was not agreeable to the stay of the princess.

The next day after much partying and celebration, the dwarfs set off their routine daily diamond-harvesting, leaving the princess all by herself, accompanied by her friendly and cute animals. 

Whence the princess was cooking apple pie for the dwarfs, the queen in the guise of an old decrepit lady with basket of apple offered the princess the apple.

What was initially a reluctance of the princess to be tempted by the old lady to take the apple turns out to the princess taking a bite out of the apple due to the old lady's pitching about the power of the apple which able to fullfill anybody's wish who takes a bite of it.

The princess was evidently fell to the ground and went unconscious. The queen was laughing with sinister glee. Upon walking out of the door she realized the dwarves are running home being alarmed by the princess's friendly animals. The queen  still in the guise of the old lady, ran to the other side which turns out to be a dead end of a hill cliff. It was also begin to rain heavily, occasional accompanied by thunderstorm.

At the end of the hill cliff there's a huge rock, lying precariously, which the queen used with a stick to tilt it towards the dwarves who are running furiously up the hill to catch the queen. 

Luck has it, whilst the queen was tilting the rock with a stick as a fulcrum, lightning strikes at the weak side of the cliff, making the land where the queen stood crumble and fell together with the queen. With the fall of the chunk of land, the rock which was being tilted to fall to the slope side of the hill, intentioned to hit the dwarves instead took the opposite side and fell after the queen. 

The expression of the vultures at the fall of the queen and the rock made it sound like the rock landed on the queen.

The dwarves was so devastated with the demise of the princess that they did not have a heart to bury her, but instead build a glass coffin to be displayed.

One day the prince whom saw the princess on the day before the princess was forced to run away from home due to the death threat by the queen, and fell in love and serenaded the princess with songs of love, which was of course requited with a kiss via a proxy pigeon.

In order to break the spell of the apple, the princess must be kissed by her first and one true love. The prince saw the lying and calm princess in the glass coffin and went up to her and planted a kiss. 

After the kiss, the princess was awake, like waking up from her slumber. Everybody cheered and celebrated. The prince took the princess on his white mare. The princess kissed all the dwarves goodbye and the story ends as "and they lived happily ever after".

Strive TO BE The Best

How did the art direction of the 50's ever managed to create such a beautiful and timeless movie such as Snow White and THe Seven Dwarfs?

What such creative production? 

What differentiate  one good movie from a bad one? What makes one movie an oscar winner and another a Razzie recipient?

It is being brave!!! It is daring to be different, it is daring to be oneself without fear of being villified and laughed at. It is being mad that amkes a person stand out. But he needs an extra something something, talent.

Either that or it's hard work. How hard do you come out with your idea? How badly do you want this?

Remember this Sun..

YOu will be great rather than good. 

YOu have done a great job for a start, to be who you are, to stand out for yourself even when there is a little self-doubt, even when others are against your values, even when many jealous souls are tarnishing your dignity. 

This is your destiny, work hard for it, for talent only talent blessed a small number of people. Most others are need hard work, plus they are usually the more successful than the natural talent. 

Little Voice Review: Contemporary At Its Greatest

I could start by saying Sara Bareilles has hit jackpot with an album that transcend the present pop culture, with her alto but strong vocal prowess and a great knack of an ability to write strong melody, this album is the standout album for this year.

And it's a welcoming production where charts and airplays are monopolized by the run-of-the-mill gangsta urban rap hits, or when the adult contemporary chart surrounded by repeated old 90's Dianne Warren-written songs, songs from adult chart are so boring that a hit could last at no.1 for more than 10 weeks, case in point Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield in 2005 spent 10 non-consecutive weeks at no.1 trading places with Home flip flopping like nobody's business.

So I am eager to share with you the beauty of this album. An outstanding and perpetually-on-my-playlist album.

It starts with Love Song, a constant darling by radio djays, it was initially thought out, due to its title, a sappy love song for lovers on valentine's day, but upon listening, turns out to be an angry ode towards someone. It did not make sense initially, "I am not gonna write you a love song, if u ask for it" does not sound like a conversation with her lover. End up, after reading further, "OH" pops out from my brain; it's a ditty to unscrupulous greedy recording agents who pressured her to write a love song to fit in this album. How ironic it is to come out that successful.

Then she takes us her earlier days of ambitiousness, the usual "live up your dream" mantra taken up by many pretty-face people looking for superstardom but lacking much of talents, in Vegas.

Take not that all her songs are mostly self-penned, she has definitely got the 'teeth' to write good songs, and it shows in Bottle It Up, a song about her conversation she had with her ex-bf, and how she's not gonna quit just because the relationship ends.

One Sweet Love is a heart-renching song about how she longs for a true "sweet" love. How much she wants to taste at least for a while how would it feel to be in the state of real love with someone who loves her back. Not bad

Come Around Soon obviously is about someone non-lover whom she's angry at. And she end with a strong climax soaring at her highest note from the album. Here her attitude-floundering is at its greatest.

Every love song always comes with unrequited love, every album always comes with longing for the one whom u've been ditched. Certainly every single sould(save for some) would have loved and being dumped badly by that person. Every single album also has story on love-break-and-love-again-then-break-again song, and Morningside speaks from her heart from Sara's experience. 

She said

"Let me down you say never baby blues don't you ever

I'm used to being one with the misfortune to find"

 Perhaps the strongest ballad in this album is Between The Lines, driven by melodic piano rift, she wails her way to a sad ditty that is Morningside Part 2.

And then every other album must have songs about dumping people as many as songs about being dumped, and hence Love on The Rocks  is the one u could play when u wanna dump someone.

"Here's a simplification of everything we're going though
You plus me is bad news"

I can relate very much to Many The Miles, about what's life purpose and all.

Gravity was rehashed from her debut album; Careful Confessions. I would love to have a listen of that album cauise Gravity; about entanglement with the person you try very hard to break free from, is beautiful

If you wanna get a piece of ones life and read them hard and wide, if you wanna have someone to understand you and share your feelings with, get this album.

It's the Adult Contemporary album of the year.

How did I fare over the five days on holiday?

1. Porn-arrrrgh still the infectious disease I could not shave away from. Doing 4 days  out of five

2. Book reading- read a couple of books, but still many to complete, 

3. Movie watching- a couple of movies I watched Including Lars And the Real Girl, which is a great movie

4. Cleaning up the house. I see it as a gradual activity, taking things one step at a time. Moreover house will always get dirty, if there's a reason to be clean eg frens coming over, there will be a spring clean season, if there's no reason, it will be done rather on whim hehe

5. Blogs- so far so good, I came out with many articles

Next goals to achieve from what's left of my days:

1. Continue with the house cleaning, blog and movie watching

2. Need to buck up on the book reading

3. Assignment speech is yet untouched

I NEED TO KNOW MY HOLIDAYS WERE SPENT WISELY!!!

Testing Myself Too Much

I love myself a lot these days that I really don;t care how people hate me. 

In fact I know how to react to it, or shall I say proactively response to it. 

Though it need some refinement, like a quick and bulls-eye counter jibe, but I just love myself too much to bother.

The thing to remember is that this is a test.. A test of my self-worth and self-confidence. Do I value myself too much to be affected by the insults from the others? 

Answer is correct: I just value myself too much to be affected by the words.

Short of Money

OK, I have decided!

Since I don' t have the money to travel and since my credit card says "I am bloated and do some enema on my ass please" and I am a miser, wiser and older for my own good thinking about how my future gonna be uncertain as the health of my parents, I have decided to spend my holidays on books. 

I have bought a lot of books over the 32 years of my life, some out of the real need to cram for information, some for light entertainment and some due to impulsive buying. Ironically not all books that are wasted are  bought under the latter category;bought on a whim of the perceived and self-conceited need.

This makes me having piles of books begging for me to read them. And read I have. I have read the long-awaited John Grisham's The Innocent Man, his first ever non-fiction on  the wrongly accused and incarcerated Ronnie Williamson to a crime he did not commit. He was jailed and even a few days away close to being injected with Sodium Thiopenthal, and Potassium Chloride in the most deadly city of Oklahoma before being halted due to the mandatory appeal owned by every citizen on his death sentencing; well the appeal was not decided yet, it was apparently a technical error that they sent a letter to Ronnie telling him he would get executed when Ronnie himself was left uninformed. So much for close shave.

Before that I also finished a unneccessary, unneeded and kinda boring book My Life As  A Quant by a Professor in Physics and Finance Analysis, Emanuel Derman. I meant unnecessary cause it was given to me by Austin cause he thought I would appreciate it having seen me reading financial papers like THe Edge; turns out that the theory and rhetoric here are bunch of gobbledygook which I do not really need to better understand what I am reading. I kinda understand more about bond though, albeit I did not ever involve in bond before. It's kinda a waste of time generally but hey I am proud of finishing this book, well of course I skipped the useless part like how he went on a few pages about how he got to his theory that he made which in all means and benefits I won't gonna remember it.

Next I scanned through Rudy Giuliani's Leadership, his book about his mayorship of New York between 1994 and 2001, centering the book around 911 and US foreign policy. I kinda get a deeper understanding to how a republican, or conservative in US may think like; falling back on divine intervention, high integrity, progressive somewhat and hypocrisy another. Overall I find this book inspiring where inspiration due, especially when  dealing with a catastrophe as humongous as the terrorist attack on World Trade Centre. 

I really want to read a fiction again but fictions are the ones I usually devour and finish first on the day I buy them. Non fictions are the ones that lay collecting dust after a few pages turned. So I am now surrounded by so many non-fiction looking at me with accusing glare, coaxing me to read them. Perhaps a Stephen King? :)

R&B Hip Hop?!! I m Digging IT!!

I was at this new opening of gay bar owned by a friend of a friend. Met this cutie but he left early(oh well).  And we were talking about his bar which looks tad unworthy of a gay bar. The Carlsberg sign, the simple interior, the green colour and non of the sign says fabulous.

We gave him a few pointers on sprucing up the place, and then we talked about music. I naturally suggested him to find a new line of music for more refined ears(hehe) Enough of the techno and incoherent babbling of house music. For once, make a gay bar sound a straight! Not that R&B Hip Hop belongs to straight people.

So he was asking if anyone could provide him a compilation of R&B Hip HOp song. I was like, the hell I would! I will be the dee jay, (well sort of) .

Hence I was sieving through my CD collection and stuffs, and copying and pasting some of my best what is now known as urban music for this new friend of mine who incidentally looks a bit like Rudy Giuliani(haha) but gay.

Let me share with ya my nigga some of the best urban jam I would just LOVE to dance on when MR D Jay play it;

Fantasy Mariah Carey and ODB version. The hallmark of R&B Hip Hop, the epitome of Hip Hop greatness, and the turning point when Hip Hop became desirable in the mainstream and pop became urban. The person who did it is none other than the queen of pop herself, Mariah Carey. She is the first ever pop mainstream act to do a hip hop collaboration, the Homo Erectus of the evolutionary music in AMerica. Yet, being the first doesn't mean it need refinement, it is THE BEST hip hop song ever! It hit the chart all over the wrold and made Day Dream her most successful album after MusicBOx and erned her 6 Grammy's. 

Can;t Nobody Hold Me Down- Puff Daddy. Puff Daddy's debut album where he got his entire family record with him is I believe is one of the best hip hop album ever to come out of the scene. He's the first one who did sampling of old song and flip and reinvent them totally to a new sound and new hit, long before Kanye does. And this is one of his best effort ever. Other important ones which should be listed here as ones of the greats but would seem redundant if explained are Mo Money Mo Problem, It;s All About The Benjamin.

Fantasy- Mariah Carey, Puff Daddy and Mase, we are still in the 90's here, please bear with me. In fact I am sure you are enjoying yourselves. This is one of the best collaboration for Mariah Carey. Puff Daddy was just a genius! He captured the new essence of Mariah Carey- nasal, falsetto soaring weakness, sexy - so well in this single and sampled the opening lines from World's Famous Supreme's Hey DJ  The Treacherous Three's Body Rock this hit one of her most memorable from her.

Like I Love You- Justin Timberlake Now we're into 21st century, the name Neptune pops out like Mount Everest on the sea level. Their syncopathic beat simply reinvented hip hop over the course of 2000 to 2005. Chad Hugo and Pharrel Williams who surprisingly did not come out with memorable hits themselves even though they actually recorded a couple of studio albums. Justin Timberlake for one is the one act who knows where the music is evolving into. With the descend of Boy Band era of the 90's all top boy band members decided to go solo, and none of them are around today, except for him, for he knows where music is heading towards. He teamed up with Timbaland and Pharrell and came out with some of the most prolific hip hop tracks ever like Cry Me A River, Sexy Back and My Love. Like I Love You is I consider the best to come out by him.

Touch The Sky by Kanye West- coming off from his second studio album Late Registration, this is one of the best single from the album. It features Lupe Fiasco in the song. 

Seriously I Really Can;t Be Bothered

I mean I can;t be bothered.

This guy in msn asked me for my photo, when he did not put up a clear photo of himself. We first met in fridae, and hence we have known each other in fridae. Of course i did put my photo in fridae and hence of course you should have seen me already else you would not have msg me to be frens!

What's with the silhouette of twinky-you illuminated by the dusk background. Like I would know how cute(NOT!) you look like, in that odd pose of singlet and bermuda. Please!!!

Moreover I am not in the mood to get to know people. I am in the unsociable mood. I have 1001 stuffs in my me-time. 

I could get the guys  that I want at Frangi and Marketplace, and wherever I go I get people paying attention to me, my look, my charm and my intelligence. My ability to make people laugh is my pride, people who do not laugh at my humor are either blonde aka dumb or deaf. So there!! 

I doubt I will find you attractive cause you look too chinky to be able to converse good english with me. You're like my past few dating-cum-fucks; they generally just stay quiet throughout the meet, from dinner to fucks. All they know is to show how good are they at sucking me off. I have no doubt you would end up the same.

That is if I want to even meet up with you of course.

SO there.

I am in my diva mode, and but of course to be able to continue perching myself up at the pedestal of socialite elite I have to be tactful with you. I would usually say, sorry I dun't have photo at the moment, y not I send to you next time?

Now, I am not in the best of mood, I prefer to just shut u off and you go wondering whatever happen to me, not answering your stupid question, too dumb to realize your obvious stupidity and blondeness.

I am out

What ot write what to write

I am torn, I am not sure where to go

First and foremost I dun think I have the money to go. If I use too much money I have this nagging sense of fear that I am unable to clear off the debt in the short run. 

Probably my exposure to Francis yesterday gave me an overwhelming sense of envious insecurity coming out from his overly successful, high monetary returns from his work by his diametric biological clock as I am.

Will I end up like the person, Gary whom my braggociously mad customer's driver, whom was told about his mountainous debt of 25k at his age of 50 confined him to a life of perpetual employment without any sign of light at the end of the tunnel. 

Or what if my parents got sick, a notion which usually a person pushing the age of 30 would think of, as for me whether I am able to pay up for the medical bills that might come my way, or will I absolve myself from the very filial responsibility that I ever gonna act on since the last time I paid my parents allowance early this year?

Damn, then again, life is all about living it to the max. Isn't I for all the coccoon I have immersed myself unknowingly for the past decade of my 20's, has lost all the opportunity to be the best that I am feeling and seeing right now? I have notice the changes in my brain, the ability to think complex thoughts, to come out with complex thoughts. to rebut what was then with weak "watever" replies everytime I am stuck for words, even though my nagging egos would have wanted me to stand up and get myself heard, that I am not the proverbial dumb blonde or even to "get even" at whatever jibes that were thrown at me with ease and spontaneity. If I did not expose myself enough to this friends, if I did not invest enough with my exploration, if I did not weakly feign certain characteristics to be able to involve and belong to this group and to this street-smart type of life, how would I ever able to talk constructively with Francis yesterday, how would I ever able to give such an inspiring training to my successor to the point she told me that "this company gona lose a very talented person", how would I ever able to lay my head to my pillow, without any regrets of how the day goes by, due to the inaction I took from the insults and annoying gestures I get from people that mattered!?

My question is, would this return of investment I put  in the self-discovery theme cover the cost I put in? And how soon will I see the return?

This question is difficult to find. "How would I know the future?" question would tantamount to harming myself to the foot, and throwing myself from my 23 storeys condo for such immature response is an awe-disappointing response. I should ask

a: I exploit more of the learnings that I gain

b: I place the exploit in dollar values, 

c: The sense of urgency if definitely on the card for the money spent is tremendous. Gone are the days of procrastination and last minute assignment completion.

Shall we plan already? :)

First Day of holiday

i am embarking on a holiday of a lifetime. Never will I ever have this epic self-discovery journey again, at least not for a very long time.

I have just fullfilled my notice period resignation and am waiting to report my first day in my new company coming May 2, 2008. Meaning between now and then, I am unemployed, unburden, free, liberal and unbounded by the shackles and needs of other party other than myself(or probably my family member :))

Hence, this is the time where I could make the most of, just for myself. A self-discovery journey of a lifetime. WHere I am heading and where had I been? What do I know about myself and my potential?

I will not go idle. I will expoloit the time I have and kill the most out of it.

My plan is to go to Bangkok, and Taiwan(perhaps) next week, do something, anything that I have never done before.

Mariah Did Idol Proud

Thank goodness!! She pulled it off! I was so afraid she couldn't, went pitchy and

hoarse and stuffs!! Hail the queen Mariah!!

Mariah Carey one of the most gifted vocallist in the world was the most enchanting

singer ever to grace any concert or show. During the 90's her vocal soar like the

sky worship the sound it vibrates on. Remember when she did If It's Over in the Grammy

back in 1992? It still gave me goosebump! Remember when she goes freestyle on

Joy To The World, "god where did she get the stamina and vocal acrobat from?"

But since Butterfly, her voice has shown signs of fatigue, overexertion of her voice, the

wrong technique that she adopt in her singing has finalloy taken its toll on the VOICE.

She became the singer whom backup singer doubles as occasional lead singer, she is credited

as much to her backup singer as much as the soaring notes that she barely reached.

Occasional lip-synch(my allegations, which is not unfounded) she has become the debate topic between

the loyal fans and loyal critics. "Does she or does she not sucks in her live performance?"

One thing for sure, she is just not as good as she was before. The charm is gone. Celine Dion and

could still belt songs which she recorded 10 years ago like All By Myself and It's All Coming Back To Me Now,

but why can;t she? The reason is arguably the surest thing you could say about her.

Her vocal technique is just not the type type which all music tacher would condone.

So it's a big surprise for me when she actually decided to grace the biggest show on earth

where vocal pitch and soaring notes are the worship deity for every contestants and are the

the demi-god where every audience searching for. She's going to actually perform live in front

of audiences who are conditioned to specifically pinpoint the pitch note and demand the soaring notes

at every chorus.

Her songbook are collection of musical Picasso, very hard to imitate and very hard to sing

by lowly idol-wannabe. In all of Idol show, songs from Mariah are as rare as songs from

say REM, because it's just begs for audience to compares the contestant to her. And this show

proves just that. All the contestants who strictly follows the arrangement of her original recording pales

in comparison. Syesha sucks big time, trying to do a Vanishing, reminiscing of her performance

in Saturday Night Live 1990, Syesha is like the earth and Mariah's heaven's heaven.

Carly flop with her rendition of WIthout You. Mariah's remake is the best version ever for that song!! What does she

think she's doing? Then again what choice does she has. The best vocallist among the idol contestants can;t even do it!

Kristy, enough said. She's clever enough to simplify the arrangement so that she could just lie her

way through this week.

Brooke! Worse Hero rendition ever! Then again was there ever another person's rendition ever done?

The guys instead prove that Mariah's song could only be succesfully pulled off by creatively

flip off the arrangement and make it say rockish for David Cook and Latino for Jason Castro. And they worked

Only Archuleta, whom we know are such a gifted and seasoned diva song's singer could do a Mariah's

version and come out victorious and glorified by Simon.

So, I am done with insulting the contestants.

The result night!

Mariah performed Bye Bye, the second single from E=MC2 which is incidentally released that day.

She could either prove her worth for a no.1 album, which would obviously hit no.1, or totally turn off

the viewers with her hoarse voice, bad flu-excuse, and weak vocal.

But as surprise as it might seem, she did the former. It was spot on! IT was pitchless and the thing is,

all the judges gave her standing ovation! Simon never gave anybody standing ovation before! And that says a lot.

I am so glad. She is so gonna sell more than 600k copies this time. I hedge my bet higher than 500k which

i said last night.

My only qualm is that she sing so like the song from the album. No vocal twist, no extra subtleties to reflect the

mood of the night, no artful melisme that defines her performance during the 90's. It could justas well lip-synched!!

But before I get myself assasinated by Mariah's fanatic, I will give her the benefit of the doubt. It's

not possible to lip-synch in the very show that promotes vocal prowess.

She has my blessing...