What ot write what to write

I am torn, I am not sure where to go

First and foremost I dun think I have the money to go. If I use too much money I have this nagging sense of fear that I am unable to clear off the debt in the short run. 

Probably my exposure to Francis yesterday gave me an overwhelming sense of envious insecurity coming out from his overly successful, high monetary returns from his work by his diametric biological clock as I am.

Will I end up like the person, Gary whom my braggociously mad customer's driver, whom was told about his mountainous debt of 25k at his age of 50 confined him to a life of perpetual employment without any sign of light at the end of the tunnel. 

Or what if my parents got sick, a notion which usually a person pushing the age of 30 would think of, as for me whether I am able to pay up for the medical bills that might come my way, or will I absolve myself from the very filial responsibility that I ever gonna act on since the last time I paid my parents allowance early this year?

Damn, then again, life is all about living it to the max. Isn't I for all the coccoon I have immersed myself unknowingly for the past decade of my 20's, has lost all the opportunity to be the best that I am feeling and seeing right now? I have notice the changes in my brain, the ability to think complex thoughts, to come out with complex thoughts. to rebut what was then with weak "watever" replies everytime I am stuck for words, even though my nagging egos would have wanted me to stand up and get myself heard, that I am not the proverbial dumb blonde or even to "get even" at whatever jibes that were thrown at me with ease and spontaneity. If I did not expose myself enough to this friends, if I did not invest enough with my exploration, if I did not weakly feign certain characteristics to be able to involve and belong to this group and to this street-smart type of life, how would I ever able to talk constructively with Francis yesterday, how would I ever able to give such an inspiring training to my successor to the point she told me that "this company gona lose a very talented person", how would I ever able to lay my head to my pillow, without any regrets of how the day goes by, due to the inaction I took from the insults and annoying gestures I get from people that mattered!?

My question is, would this return of investment I put  in the self-discovery theme cover the cost I put in? And how soon will I see the return?

This question is difficult to find. "How would I know the future?" question would tantamount to harming myself to the foot, and throwing myself from my 23 storeys condo for such immature response is an awe-disappointing response. I should ask

a: I exploit more of the learnings that I gain

b: I place the exploit in dollar values, 

c: The sense of urgency if definitely on the card for the money spent is tremendous. Gone are the days of procrastination and last minute assignment completion.

Shall we plan already? :)