30 minutes fro now

Dear Diary,

I am writing a story right now. This might be the best story that I ever come out.

I like to invent stories in my head. I like to invent stories that I am the best looking guy in the story but tortured literally to live a life of sufferings. The sufferings could be so brutal it's pornish. This is rather wrong to say it, maybe because I watched too many sad movies with male leads being subject to miseries. It's was so great watching male leads getting challenged in their life.

How should I say it better? Male lead facing challenges in life and found the courage to break away from it and came out stronger? Or perhaps male lead made mistakes to cause themselves to question their faith, eventually deliver the best act they ever do? What am I mumbling? Maybe I am just not able to express it.

It feels like I am stuck here, in this mud, unable to cross to the side of tipping point, to release the energy, the creativity power that bestow to me. Am I the only person in this world to see myself as a ball of potential energy? Am I the only person to see the infinite future? Or is it I am just reading too many self-motivational books?

But to take out that picture in the background, it just impossible to fathom how can one not be able to see the potential one has? I am sure more than half of the successful people in this world, (and I must say the proportion is getting bigger and bigger by the day as the world became more egalitarian) are successful not solely by their realisation of their talent but realisation of their able to use talent to reach a higher and higher height. That's the truth. Maybe most of the people in this world have talent, but half of them do not know which talent, or they just do not think the talent worth the mentioning.

But I am digressing, and the digression ain't exactly impressive, but I need to move on to write about something more meaningful, some tangible ideas, some stories.

Hmm, let's see. The story I am going to tell now is perhaps me going about making myself a top student. Perhaps I should write something about being a humour speaker. I need to come out with a humor speech. Maybe this would be a great opportunity to do so. Let's see.

Warm up my audience.

Hi good evening, I am going to talk about something funny tonight. But you see, I've committed a blunder you know to even mention it in my first ever humor speech. This is definitely a recipe for disaster. I am not suppose to talk that I am going to write something humorous as talking about it already blow out the punchline. Silly silly me. See! You guys are not laughing. I am dejected. Bad, I should walk off now, now, standing away and wave, wave Lawrence, wave!!

Err, I shouldn't. Toastmaster's commandment, Thou shall not walk off the stage until thy light in front turn green. Else thou disqualified. Bad. What should I do? I am lost, I am committed a boo boo and I need to salvage the moment as people are just not laughing at me.

OK ok, now act like I am successful. Smile, Smile hard, harder. Harder. And stop thinking aloud.
Stop thinking aloud now.

Bad, I thought I remember seeing some great speakers can just make people laugh just by snapping his/her fingers. I should snap my fingers now. Ok here goes. Snap snap snap. Does not work. maybe I should snap when I am smilling, Showing some teeth perhaps. Oh dear, people are not laughing. Just now laughing.

OK, get yourself together and start talk about a story. Dear audience, I love to talk. I love to talk about speech that can make you laugh. I love to make people happy. That's why if you actually care to remember, my second ever speech since I join toastmaster, after my ice breaker was "How to learn to speak humorously" or something along that line. I was really afraid about talking on stage that I fumbled on my first ever humor speech. I don't quite remember where I what was the actual story of my first humour, but something along the line of spaceship or pencil.

Nevermind, I wanted to talk humour so much because I was really seriously the most, not the most serious child but the funniest child in the family. Seriously. I made them laugh on jokes I made like nobody's business.

I remember one time there's an ad about a card, some sort of bonuslink card, which you can flip out from your wallet and the sales man will smile a generous smile and say yeah, you get 10% discount. I dun remember much about that card name, but I kinda remember how it looked like. A black and red colored card, which did not last after a year. How that card manage to even survive is beyond me come to think of it now, as from a mature businessman perspective of mine, it just does't make much business sense.

Anyhoo, after one too many times they show that ad, I began to break out a joke to my family. Telling stories like if a child went to buy sweet, RM0.10 sweet and then before the mom and pop store owner punch the cashier machine, the child flip out the card, and the owner was crying "like that also want discount ar?" They would laugh out loud. OK OK, that's like an old story and nobody find it funny huh?

However the thing is I love my humour. I just lost it when I found hell. I found hell in movies, in temple, and in many places that talks about religion. People preach about being obedient, filial, morally right, quiet, dun talk too loud, conform!!. I was since afraid to express myself, I wanted to walk within the line. I wanted to follow the herd. That's where I lost myself. I lost that aspect of myself, expecting something like non-hell when I die. That was 20 years ago.

I lost 20 years of my voice, yet I am still alive. I had begun to shave off the conformist tendencies of my natural being, now I am seeing the light. I am free again. I am out of the shell again. But it's a long battle ahead. More needs to be done. I could have been a poet.

But I am happy the way I am. Being conformist has not it's tragedy. It's still a perfect life for me.

thanks

GOing through the day

Suddenly, my speeches s lows, suddenly my typing laced with mistakes, suddenly I am calm, suddenly my mood peaceful. I am not sure what and how this happens. This is the time when I need to do a lot of stuffs. There was a moment when things seems to slow down, now it kind of speeds up. Hmm, got a lot of stuffs going on. Only wish I could articulate it more.

But I am matured, I am older, I like it when I am older. I was once wishing I was 34, that was when I was about 30. Cause I wanted to lose my baby fat. It seems to come true. I lost the baby fat through my dieting to prep for my play. Now I look kinda hot at 66kg. haha.

I have to prepare for any possibilities

My business partner might pull out after a couple of months;

1. I will need a new trusted business partner to replace him.

2. I will make sure all his ideas and recipes are jotted down on papers.

Writing Again

Seriously it's not easy to put thoughts into words, I even find difficulty putting thoughts into sound. Most of the time it sound muffled. and oftentimes you get the "sorry?" "come again?" It's always annoys me when the moment I try to talk some noise always appear out of nowhere.

Like when I tried to say "have you gotten your paper yet?" after a long silence, suddenly a frigging motorcycles with its loud hoot start passing by you. Like when you finally got a good punchline, a baby starts to cry like on cue.

I am never good at writing, but I guess I am getting better at it, but still would I be good enough for a show? Will I be ready to write a script for my first show? I am worried, I am required now, I think I did a bad one. But I need to start somewhere.

I need to keep my thoughts flowing, it needs to get total continuous inspiration. I am not sure how to do it but this is the way. Rather than write bunch of nonsense in papers or word file where nobody can appreciate, I rather write here and wish upon wishes that one in a billion chance that someone would bump into this blog of mine and started to read it.

There are more and more blogs popping out like white discharge that chances are no one will read this but better write it anyway.

I am discovering talents which I never would have discovered if I were to do the same thing over and over again. My nature of getting bored of routine stuffs got the easy of me. Now I am writing an article. I am actually writing something. I've not been writing for a very long time. But I discovered the power of practicing and doing something with intensity.

Let me give you some example;

My recent show, Condo Cocoon was a huge success. I was given the meatiest role, the big break I was always wishing for since joining my production. And here I was, there given this role thanks to my performance during Toastmaster session that captivated the director. He was inspired by my top Play of The Lord of The Ring, that he asked to to reprise it in his play. I took it and play it hard. I know I could take this role and play it very well. But I know this is not enough. I must put more passion and intensity and practice into it. Not too much lest I get too exhausted(emotional attachment to something always makes one too deenergize). But I never take chances and at the very last seconds, things had to be perfect. It was made sure of. I made sure of that. And I ace it, well not entirely perfect but it was like amazing as I received a lot of accolades and praises. I am so proud of myself. But I know I put my best in it.

Same goes with learning to speak again. It wasn't easy but I made myself chant the Buddha word everytime I drive in my car. No radio station of music but just chanting of the Buddha name. I found out my speech capability improved. I always thought my speech impediment(inability to articulate well of words) was caused by two things; my inherent halitoris which afffect my self-confidence and my smoking pot which damage my speech centre in my brain. But I have regained some of the speech capability which I thought I've lost. Still it's not as good as before. Yet I know practice makes perfect.

This own business thing is not easy. Entails a lot of hard work. I will not take it for granted that I've got MBA, and lessons learned from MBA that I should be able to ace my work well. It takes a lot of meeting up with people and humble learning. Most learning actually takes a lot of energy. That's why people have to climb from bottom to top. Nobody can stand at the top without experiencing the bottom.

So this inspire me to take the extra mile, to trudge, to humbly take the road less traveled.

I decided to keep on writing for about perhaps I don;t know, 20 minutes to hone my writing skill. The time is almost up anyway. One more minute to go. I will do this every day for as long as I want to to make sure that I am the master of what I can become. I will not depend on other company anymore. I will depend on myself.