The recent trip to Bangkok had probably reduced my self-esteem to another dip. The disapproval of others, the self-mutilating act of neo-nihilism, the wariness of adventure non-exist drives me mundane. What have I achieved from this trip? Do I know my own worth? Why am I not perfect? Why does it have to be so tough?
There's no solution to this pessimistic situation. I think I am sinking again from the precipice of my own being. The one I remember not long ago. The time when I usually would happen when I am in solitude. I need to be in solitude maybe because it is comfiting. But I get nonsense as time goes by.
I am exhausted from the thinking and ambitions of mine. I know I must achieve them but how can I reach the finish line if I am not even given the starting block? How can I run the race if I am not even qualified? Afflictions do not happen so seriously to one person. Or I am being self-absorbed?
It's just too tough!! I find it even hard to lift my legs up for the event coming in a couple of minutes. I just have to do it. It's the usual way to be free. God saves me, I lost you. I do not believe in you. I need myself to hold on to. Myself is lost.
Damn! I am in here again.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Judegmental
I try not to be judgemental. People tend to judge, I guess it's human nature. It's like you need to eat to survive, and judging validates your thinking.
But I try to avoid it cause I do not want people to judge me as well. I will have messed up mind when I get judging comments. Which does not warrant my time.
She;s strong. I wish I was her. Some people are just so lucky. Just like myself. I need to be happy with it anyway.
Going home now.
But I try to avoid it cause I do not want people to judge me as well. I will have messed up mind when I get judging comments. Which does not warrant my time.
She;s strong. I wish I was her. Some people are just so lucky. Just like myself. I need to be happy with it anyway.
Going home now.
Beauty
"You look beauty" "You are not handsome but smart" "You are leng jai" Those are the lines I heard from different people today alone.
The idea of beauty is definitely rediculous as I am not in that category. Maybe I present myself as worthy of the title but if I look at how responses I get from my facebook quest for 1000 friends, acceptance had not been forthcoming.
Superficiality exist in this world and I am the main proponent of it. I condone it yet I hate it when I am being rejected. My number one wish is to be a photogenic guy, well accpted, loved. But my success rate has not been encouraging.
The idea of beauty is definitely rediculous as I am not in that category. Maybe I present myself as worthy of the title but if I look at how responses I get from my facebook quest for 1000 friends, acceptance had not been forthcoming.
Superficiality exist in this world and I am the main proponent of it. I condone it yet I hate it when I am being rejected. My number one wish is to be a photogenic guy, well accpted, loved. But my success rate has not been encouraging.
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