The recent trip to Bangkok had probably reduced my self-esteem to another dip. The disapproval of others, the self-mutilating act of neo-nihilism, the wariness of adventure non-exist drives me mundane. What have I achieved from this trip? Do I know my own worth? Why am I not perfect? Why does it have to be so tough?
There's no solution to this pessimistic situation. I think I am sinking again from the precipice of my own being. The one I remember not long ago. The time when I usually would happen when I am in solitude. I need to be in solitude maybe because it is comfiting. But I get nonsense as time goes by.
I am exhausted from the thinking and ambitions of mine. I know I must achieve them but how can I reach the finish line if I am not even given the starting block? How can I run the race if I am not even qualified? Afflictions do not happen so seriously to one person. Or I am being self-absorbed?
It's just too tough!! I find it even hard to lift my legs up for the event coming in a couple of minutes. I just have to do it. It's the usual way to be free. God saves me, I lost you. I do not believe in you. I need myself to hold on to. Myself is lost.
Damn! I am in here again.
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