This is the story so far

This is the story so far. I am scared and beaten down. They are trying to push you down. This is what people do when you are up and talented.

But I will not give up in finding my destiny.

"You become embarrassed when you lose yourself" the character of Saw in the movie Ocean Thirteen.

If I find a safety net

I f I find a safety net now,

1, I will be too comfortable to take chances

2. I will not go out anymore until another crisis occur

3. I will be branded a loser anyway no matter where I go. It's too late. There's no redeeming opportunities already.

4. That industry is too boring and suffocative anyway.

5. I'll be too tired to start one anyway if I wait another longer.

6. I've got a lot of friends. They help!!

This is from Seth Godin

Arrogant

This is a fear and a paradox of doing work that's important.

A fear because so many of us are raised to avoid appearing arrogant. Being called arrogant is a terrible slur, it means that you're not only a failure, but a poser as well.

It's a paradox, though, because the confidence and attitude that goes with bringing a new idea into the world ("hey, listen to this,") is a hair's breadth away, or at least sometimes it feels that way, from being arrogant.

And so we keep our head down. Better, they say, to be invisible and non-contributing than risk being arrogant.

That feels like a selfish, cowardly cop out to me. Better, I think, to make a difference and run the risk of failing sometimes, of being made fun of, and yes, appearing arrogant. It's far better than the alternative.

Is this fate that I hear Opportunity when I am ready?

I am ready!

I am disciplined

I will achieve my goals of the 2012.

I will make sure this will happen.

Opportunity has landed and I will grab it and make the most out of it.

Thank god!

Discipline

"Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability" Roy L. Smith

I had a close shave

It was the usual case. I tried to talk to myself to just conform, just conform, but I can;t seem to understand the conversation. I only know how to look through them. I looked through them. I do not know why.

I am jealous of their focus. I am not focusing.

Then I hate their body language; using fingers to cover their nose. This really riles me as I do not like people find me unattractive because of my bad breath.

I always feel that I am at fault. I always feel that I am unable to control myself.

I must control myself. I must. I must. I must. I must.

"You have a period of time when your career you're uncertain, that's why you change job all the time. But it will come a time you are more certain with a career."

"the idea of a career is changing from a series of vertical steps within one country, it's changing now much more to a flexible pattern, we move much more within countries. We're now much more concern manage our own career (than getting people to manage your career). That's the difference between Gen X & Y"

Sabbatical

I think this is called sabbatical.

I need sabbatical.

This is so wrong continue working without a reflections of what you've done all these while.

Why I don't need To worry?

This is my strategy to damage-control my reputation:

1. Build strong networks

2. Start talking about the company:

"highly political company"

"corrupted practices in getting tender"

"uninitiated HR practices"

3. Get out of there. Only truth will prevail.

Based on this website, the rumors has to be this:

• The successful rumor is easy to remember.
• » The successful rumor follows a stereotyped plot.
• » The successful rumor is a function of the momentary interests and circumstances of the group.
• » The successful rumor exploits the emotions and sentiments of the group.

I know that this thing will come back to haunt me

I do realize that whatever I did and whatever I didn't do will always come back to haunt me.

I'll do better to move to some place that no one knows me. My name in the world is probably messed up. Some will see me as a messed up arrogant bitch. Others will see me as this passionate person who wants nothing but an altruistic life.

I can only do whatever I can control now. My future. My present position. My own peace of mind. I do not bother what others think of me. I only bother about what I think of myself.

I will stay positive.

At least I know I am not evil even to myself.

I will stop fretting but start thinking about damage control.

My Strategies

This is my working paper to achieve my goals by end 2011. I will be brave. I will.

1. Pray to god. I believe that all this leads to my changing my life dramatically. I believe that He wants me to move out of my comfort zone and take the plunge into the unknown to achieve bigger goals. I believe that God wants me to do good to the world.

2. Sustainable Pay- will ensure that I push through and not give up that easily I will get enough salary to sustain my monthly needs, at least get RM6,000 per month for my monthly needs. RM3,000 licence, RM1000 from rentals, RM2000 from part time job

3. Networking - continue going out to meet with people and make friends cause you'll never know who will be your saviour. Always value my friends and anybody I meet.

4. Stay positive - keep my head up high, read positive books, never listen to people who tell you it's impossible. Listen to motivational talk in youtube and ted.com etc. Stay motivated.

5. Stay healthy - exercise, get energy from anywhere. Be passionate in what you do. Make sure things are always smooth and uncluttered.

My PLAN:

1. Sustainable Income - Find quick

2. Network for training

3. Work for Aaron

4. Find opportunities...

Here we go.....

I will attempt again to write consistently my blog. This time is different. I have no safety net. I will fail badly and climb from scratch again if all else fail. I will not even think about failing.

This is not easy. This is hard. This needs to be done right!!

Damn I am scared, I am scared to death when I allow the floodgate of doubts and the picture of failing in my mind. But I must remind myself that this should NOT BE ABOUT ME ONLY! This SHOULD NOT BE ABOUT MY REPUTATION. THIS SHOULD NOT BE ABOUT MY 'FACE'. This is scary.

I will attempt right this time.

One of the problem I have is that I might not have enough money to sustain for long enough. If only I have millions of dollars, I will plunge in deep and not afraid of anything. But I do not have millions, I do not have more than 20k. I have only a little bit of money!! I am not sure I can sustain this. Worse come to worse I will have to sell my condominium. But I will not lose head and diverted by this.

I have live long enough and work long enough to prepare for this. I have. If I do not start now, I will not be able to start at all. Life will be back to normal. I promise that I will work hard till end 2011. WOrk so hard that I will be able to determine my future for good. My destiny will be determined by now. I will not just launder with a SPM position. There's just so much to lose to continue with this work. Too much to lose. This time is different. This is it!!!

Next page is my strategies....