Several problems in my life

The are two main problems I will focus upon, paid full attention at, and 

1. Externally motivated

2. Procrastinate the job while work hard on the non-job

3. Street-smart lesson needs to be postponed

4. The crumbling of my social circle.

Let me take the bull by the horn, sow the seed by the spot, or aim the bow at the bullseye;

1. Being externally motivated; feeling so down when there seems to be no one express their interest at you. Or there seems to be no one that are willing to give  you the compliments that you need, most likely because I am just not good enough in those things I've done lately. But most of the times, I am either not good enough or too different from their feeble mindset to comprehend. But I am such a wreck when such a thing did not come about when I needed it.

2. Procrastinate the job; not wanting to take the bulls by the horn, tend to delay the real job work with excuses that other less important works need to be done first, and find excuses from the lamest reason, like my shoulder pain, distended stomach, prevents me from performing at my best in writing my assignment speech, hence prevents me from writing it altogether.

3. The crumbling of my social circle; People are just so jealous of me. Only the ones strong enough remains in my social circle. I put the rest as bunch of coward little hypocritical small people(in chinese small people means jealous backstabbing bitches), which seriously worth none of my concern for them. I got to expend my social circle and find new people to go out with. The real friends, whom I am comfortable with. Or maybe I do not really need a social circle, what I need is the right direction for my career path. The social circle tends to be people whom I have light moments with. And times like these does not allow much light moments, I will sparringly spend such wasteful time.

4. Lack of those street-smart lessons due to lack of monetary. 

Strategy:

1. External motivation?

2. Procrastination

3. Social circle

4. Street-smart lesson

Herewith I found some non-direct solutions or rather next-steps I need to do in my life;

1. Embrace pain- sit straight even though it is tiring, just type away even the shoulders are sore, just do it even if you think the extent of impossibilities, 

2. Discipline- 

3. Break away the egos- talk to strangers, stop making assumptions about people, love people for who they are, some friends are worth it and some acquaintances are dispensable, be kind to people, not necessarily nice to people, being ruthless is the best lesson for them sometime

June 8, 2008

It's sad and ridiculous. My reputation precedes me. I am a god-fearing, soul-loving, conscientious, and morally appropriate, unhypocritical as you can be person, yet I think I am bitter.

There are just too many jealous souls out there, and they are there to enjoy ruining people's life. It's a basic human instinct that afflict only to the ones whom life has nothing else to do. They are basically lazy, complaining that life is unfair cause it inflict so much pain in the very human nature that they demonstrate to their own kind, yet do not want to put the effort to change and be better, breaking away from the very constraint they impose upon themselves.

And the worse thing is this; listen carefully, they subconsciously or not, but subtly or sometimes outwardly deny the people who see beyond the coconut shell, beyond the isolated oasis in a vast desert, to seek the greater good, the better life, the life they never had yet deliberately and decidedly to kill anyone who does. 

It's a very human nature like this that makes lives like mine suffer because I am cursed with the mindset that breaks down when there seems to have pillars of human support in sight. I am like a match stick house which crumbles when one match catch fire, lights up and skit away from the foundation. Another way of saying it is that I am externally motivated. I tried and tried so hard to translocate this stupid underpinning that obviously does me no good, I did hang on for a while, strongly, but itt's just too much pain, too much energy. Eventually they fall apart, the mental, emotional, physical stage and lectern/rostrum. It just too much to bear. 

People love to feel jealous and henceforth work subtly to kill the target's ambition. I am aware of that and I try to be conscientiously tell myself that I would not be jealous of anyone to the extent that I wanna sabotage his/her work. The only person I am really jealous of is this bitch whom in part of her rise to her elevated position, she destroyed people's chance. That's wrong and I am guilty of personally and  unconscientatiously trying to see her downfall. To be fair I admire her resolve and her talent, and I did not do worse stuffs than the fact that I admonished to people who wants to hear. And I propagate and encourage the propagation.

But I'll never gonna give up. It is the mindset of a winner which never gives up and never fall apart from the demolition of the majority soul, and that's why only a handful of people become successful. And I will find my comeuppance, I will regain my ground and push ahead, always finetuning my steps, always innovate the embrace the change that is me. I am beyond this all. Now I analyse, now I retrace my steps, now I am ready for the take off.

June 7, 2008

I am recovering from my cold, not flu damnit, I know better. I am the brand manager of the national flu, I am what flu gonna go big next year, I am the change leader of the infectious mindset of feeble-minded, pathetic Malaysian people.

My mind now revolves around happiness, beguiling, disappointment, pissed and tired. I have met the most important and certainly the most exciting new thing I have this month(I make sure I have exciting things every single month, last month was my new job, the month before was my resignation, haha). It's Skpye.

I thing I did mention about meeting this intangible 'gadget' of the thing, the last article but more to that I discover the excitement of talking non-stop. I practically talked my way to sickness yesterday. I can;t stop talking to my cutie in Adelaide, till late night. And damn he's so cute. Yesterday also I talked to my new potential possibly soulmate bf, who lives in Singapore, a quarter of a thousand miles from where I am now. The thing is I am not sure when I wanna go see him, less of my lack of personal motivation but more of the worry about looking over my busy planner and shock the bezeechel out of my wit.

But I am kinda happy, hmmm, not sure, cause I watch too much sex and the city, and got myself living a fantasy that is not me, a fairytale that is only happening in New York. I like him, I kinda like him, I want to like him, cause I'm like Samantha, a person suffering from lovaphobia,  a defense mechanism protecting her most vulnerable side from the most severe type of pain, which could edge towards self-loathing and waste of time so important for her career, the only substantial thing in a person's life. :)

I am disappointed with my friends, whom I might have took them for granted, whom have pushed me away for a few possible reasons;

1. they know bout my salary, and became jealous of me

2. the jealous of me because I am just not dependent on them

3. i am not the person they thot I was, the vulnerable dumb blond with no sense of ambition and think of living a sorry life with them for the rest of my life

4. that i pushed them away, because I never belong to them anyway

But they are still my friends, my loving friends whom I cherish and at least for a short while belonged to, and depended on while I sooth my broken and dishevelled self-confidence, while I facing my deepest fear, and eventually came out stronger, much stronger and wiser. Now that I am back to myself, but by a bigger herculean proportion, I am not them, and they are not me. 

It's fine cause I am happy. Hey I am hyperconfident.

I am not that type of person to whine and wallow at my unfortunate condition, pretentiously unaware why my friends would want to sabotage my life for no apparent reason. Cause I know and I am beyond that.

The next step in my life, is how to become a better person.

June 5, 2008

Got myself a sore throat this morning. I mean, oh shit, already afflicted with a curse, and this. Hard times are here. Even though I am well endowed with a nice ogled-at and willingly harassed body. (The night at the party where most gays go these days during their desperate single free time, I was proudly being looked and touched at, something I am quietly jealous of when one of my hotter friend just a few weeks ago got himself  hypercompanied where needed my help to pull him away). 

It figures, I am lacking sleeping time, I'm all stressed out with work, and I have so many things left undone and unachieved, and worst of all the fucking stand fan was strategically placed to blow at my mouth. Yes I was feeding yin energy all throughout the night.

I am kinda in love, I met someone whom I have so much in common with. Best of all he's hot and cute. Only thing is he is quite a distance from me. It's really a good thing anyway, I can keep my liberty while feeling the rush of love making and love fancy. The thing with this love I have not fuck him,nor have I kissed him. Stuff of a relationship I usually wanted, making feeling via communication before the fucking begins. 

I got myself a lot of work today. How does a business arrangement like this sounds like: you sell your goods to this customer, who goes using this goods to serve end-users, he goes national and serve the whole world, got himself a whole lotsa staffs, and the thing is you are paying all his expenses. You have to do annual bribe giving of an outing event with him, sponsoring the whole event, while he is the one who gets all the credit because he needs to please the higher being. After which he gets his profit, with little expenses for his service during the days of the campaign. Now he adds he needed something more, he asks to sponsor him flight to places he needs, even after you already committed to pay for his allowance, daily allowance. 

This is like giving too much in a bargain. It's hardly a bargain! Am I earning money from this sales?

You spend half of your A&P to earn just a third of your sales. And you call this a good business sense?!

Next he is asking for a better sponsor, to Bandung for future bribe and you made a 'gentlemen' agreement with him, about all this arrangement!

And even after all this, he claims that you would send him to France if he hits the 20,000 mark. To France!!

This is too fishy to be true, there's something needs to be done.

There are a lot of unscrupulous acts going on here. Let me list them out again;

1. You're paying too much for this business! What is the ROI? They seem to be hold ing the huge end of the bargain!

2. i am no expert is ethical value here but i can just smell the rot from here. I need to find out.

Will find out.

Cool software of the month is Skype. I know i know, where have I been? Skype is like invented since the beginning of time, and only now I got to use it. I remember the last time I downloaded it but did not successfully downloaded, probably the system unstable. Now, things are improving by the day. One day you think you can;t work this thing out, the next day the solution is only a google away. 

SO yes, I found skype and I found my cutie again, after a long while.  I missed him so much. He's my ... k i gotta sleep....

How I Learned To Drive

Went and watch How I Learned To Drive, a dramatic and engaging play directed by a 22year-old psychology student. Very impressive..

It;s a simple movie, talking bout how a lady, played along her teenage years, grew up sexually abused and learned to 'let go of the clutch' so to speak and floor the gas to reach a peace with herself.

The story starts at when she was 17 years old, went out driving, she behind the wheel, Uncle Peck, her mother's brother in-law, about to go for a high tryst. The steamy part was creatively made visual without the real flesh. 

Adjust backward,(in this movie is all about going reverse or forward like you are in car, U-turning as you go back in time when she's younger, exploring the seed of the tryst that settles so deeply and comfortably in the opening act) L'il Bit, the young protagonist, just one year younger was very uncomfortable with her family liberty with the matter of the bed between two consenting flesh. She was obviously disturbed by the openness, less of the uneasiness than the psychological trauma she was going through.

A few plots showed how she was not able to live a normal life during her teens because of her experience with her uncle, Uncle Peck. How she could not dance with someone else, or fall in love, or how she bores her friends because of her peculiar interpretation of teenage sex and love.

This play is very engaging and polished. Something that is far and way more sophisticated than the one I involved in. For obvious measure, one can only see how the person like and would mess up the whole show because simply of their command or lack thereof of their English. 

With our acting ability, this is just not happening. It would be a disaster even at the start. Why do I even bother to raise this up?

All in all, I totally enjoyed this show, the main protagonist was good, improving by the minute, must got warmed up by the debut night. Whereas I think Johann the lead actor was good at first but tend to lack stamina to push through the finish line. But his experience and his charm got him by. I should say through out of the two main acts, Johann inhabit the character much more consistently and cohesively, leaving no chance to the strength of his sparring partner. One can totally feel the empathy for his character.

However, this play can;t help alienating the audience, not by the sheer visual of the show, which is not that rampant anyway, but by the southern American elements to it. The director somehow fail to put a seamless mix of the story's essential southern influence with the fact that the characters are Chinese and lack the necessary tongue to pull through convincingly the right stuffs needed for the play. Some element of Chineseness does manage to spill out once in a while, one among the audience can't help but to think that the story tries to mesh the two spectrum of the human race together but fail, flip flopping back to the original element.

And yes, Johann has a nice ass :)

Review: Indiana Jones and The Legend of The Crystal Skull

I was lying when I told my friends that I still remember well how good Indiana Jones in the 80's was like. The thing is I don't. I barely remember the plot of the stories in the first 3 installments. I don't even remember there was a lady in the the life of Indiana. All I know is that I thoroughly enjoyed the shows and it was funny. Really funny. This I know, even at the tender age of teens, I do understand the comedic undertones to the movies which I find engaging and satisfactorily entertaining. 

Oh I remember how Sean Connery during the bullets showering by the 50's or 40's fighter plane on them, he took out his black umbrella, and chase the pigeons away. Indiana was at first baffled by the act of his father, being in a tight situation, fooling around with his umbrella on a clear autumn sky. As the pigeon flew off amidst the approaching Hawker Hunter, knocking on the window of the plane, disorientated it, the pilot lost his sense of sight and end up crashing on something. It was one of the genius of the 80's show, innovative retaliation or recoil.

And then who could forget the ending of one of the sequel, showing the virtue of the main actor, when Indiana and the nemesis discovered the location of the Holy Grail(that's where I first know what a holy grail is). Got in there and they were each given a choice to choose the non-figurative grail, from the many ornately decorated gold encrusted tablets lying on the altar, which watched over by a frail old knight. The nemesis took to finding the grail first, picking one with the biggest and more charming tablet, decorated with diamonds and rubies and sapphire of great sizes and shapes. 

He took the cup and scoop the holy water, and upon drinking it, cursed instead of everlasting life, he got accelerating life, turn into skeletons in no time, the marvel of special effect at that time still incomparable until now, considering the gap in the technology they applied between then and now. Then Harrison Ford, only thought of saving his father dying of a bullet shot, chose the most simple and hidden tablet, within easy reach, drank the water and eventually saved his father.

Ok, I mingle too long with the old one, which is justified, cause this latest installment 16 years after the last one, same old ensemble, minus sadly Sean COnnery, (I think he dies in the last one) does not live up to the hyped up expectation it conceives both after all these years and by the people whom involved in this film. The A-listers, Lucas, Spielberg and Harrison Ford, supposedly well-seasoned with their decades of experience, oscars awards and resume of movies which could make them almost legend, comes out with a movie left so much wanted. If Jason Castro from AI6 comes out flat with his performance, this could just top it off. 

It was boring, unfunny, unexciting and messy. The lines were bland and the editing were amateurish. And I haven;t even come to the part of directing. One wonders whether Spielberg was actually on the set while filming or he has his phantom director assisting him while he settling down in his trailer U-haul van savouring his swan songs Saving Private Ryand and The Color Purple. The only time I find the movie worthy of a Spielberg when the Russian armies arrives at the US army territory front gate, the general walked up to the guard in the middle of desert background, halted for not authorized for entry, he went down, thought to tie his shoe laced, and immediately is well-choreographed surprise attack.

After that it went downhill from there. Cate Blanchett was underutilized. One can't help but wonder that she does this only for the fun of it. Shia Lebouf was annoyingly whiny. The relationship between father and son, was not well developed. 

Overall, you expect in the world of Special Effect technology where large mountainous  landscape could be made up like in Lord Of The Rings, chimeric human-animals could be conjured with ease like in Narnia Chronicles, Indiana Jones in the 21st century could be 10 times more exciting than the last 3, you expected wrong.

This sequel is just another 80's production but laced with elements of boredom of the 21st century. One just hope that there is no Indiana Jones 5.