Oh my god! Oh my god!! What the fuck has happened since i left this abode? It would be over presumptuous to say i've changed a lot and under statement that i have not. Things have turned out unexpectedly.
I guess the most impressive thing i could say about myself is that i am none the wiser. I should be, like most others would but why must i when i am having the time of my life? Da fuck with life, when you reach 40 and want sweet smelling bodies to gravitate towards you is a remote possibility, life is not to be wanted. I expect to die anytime now, but destiny has its way with you that throws you unaware of the next second's sentence. My life is a random mix of action, strive to achieve the exact state of being when it all began, nothing.
I should be happy, i'd die to live this sort of life before but now i have it, let's just say, the mind will never set you free until it dies. Me and my monster. I guess it takes this blog for me to realize that the monster is really is the slimy existence that dwell under the hard skull of mine. It tells me that i am losing on life. That everyone i know is going up and groping with assets and funds. They are lining up on the conveyor belt of certain trap of which they all wish to declare an existence called 'happiness' or least of all 'life'. Mr Monster insist that if i am not in there, i will never belong to anything, and most of all, i will never be happy. So i am not happy.
I should be searching for a better job as the one i am having is killing me, but hey it's killing me only twice every week and i can choose not to be killed if i want to. I don't have a great place to stay but hey, have i ever had a great place to stay anyway. I can't take care of myself so why should i take care of a house? So it's a constant battle.
I blame it on my stubborn inability to listen to my real self, the frustrating failure to reach the nirvana state of my meditative goal. It seems like i have not reached anything significant to call an achievement. Which is a bummer.
It this feels like an introspective diarrhea, it actually is, so i should stop now before i get dehydrated.
