The Confidence

I guess it is easy to be magnaminous, to be humble, to be cheery in front of others, when you are assured of yourselves. The part of assurance is always hard to fathom, that it is usually a lost and found case; sometimes you are 'on top of the world', sometimes you find the nearest hole to hide in. (and when no holes are available and you're exposed to human stimulus, you blow your top).

Now this part explains the psyche, what to do next?

Getting self assurance is not always easy. It is part of garnering self-esteem, self-confidence, and a horrible misguided delusion that is necessary. Growing up in a lower-income clueless family, that all rules and guidance are not set, not learned, everyone had their own set of problem, they are more in tune with their own problems, most of the time immersed rather than constructively trying to find a solution for them.

I used to envy the way tv movies depicting western family system as constructive, intuitive, communicative and most of all loving. I always asked, as I grew older, why can't ours be like them? My formative years is broken, and scarred. I never had a boulder to hang on to in the swift current of the river of life.

Now I am struggling, I lean on delusion often, yet harsh reality always slaps me out of the fantasy I live in.

I'm building my ziggurat, little by little. Yet the tsunami of human warfare never live me alone.